Category Archives: Miscellaneous

Merry Christmas, NBA Fans

Thank you, sane people, for not depriving us of this for a whole year.

All we ever wanted for Christmas was for prideful, out-of-touch rich people to come to their senses. They have. It’s looking like a 66-game season starting Dec. 25.

Now get those fantasy leagues together and check back often here at Damn Lies & Statistics. We’ll have mocks, rankings and more in the upcoming 30 days of craziness.

How u? We’re great.


Grizzlies’ elimination provides excuse for gloating

Zach Randolph has long stared off into the distance dreaming of winning Jeff a fantasy championship.

Memphis falling to Oklahoma City in Game 7 of the Western semis seems like a perfect time to give y’all an update on the experts playoffs league the three of us slackers are in. Let’s put it this way: we’re naming this sucker after me next year. I am dominating my supposed peers once again, to the tune of a near-2,000-point lead heading into the conference finals. Last year I took the crown riding Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett and Rajon Rondo through the Finals. This year, I won this bad boy in the first two rounds, thanks to a wonderful run by the 8th-seeded Grizzlies, and I won’t be looking back other than to gloat. Which brings us to the only reason for this post.

You can see how the draft went here, where you can see that our esteemed commenter Bubbly can even figure out how asskickulous my team has been.

Let’s take a look at the masterfully-constructed squad:

First round (6th pick): Kevin Durant
A no-brainer selection and one I was particularly happy to make as I sensed a Spurs exit at the hands of the Thunder in the second round and then a conference finals where anything was possible. That’s essentially what we got, and Durant has been a stud nearly every night.

Second round (15th pick): Joakim Noah
I wanted a Bull or Laker here as that was my initial Finals scenario. Noah is great in this league because he blocks shots (worth six apiece). So far this pick is looking great. No complaints.

Third round (26th pick): Josh Smith
This was probably a mistake at the time but it has turned out okay. James Harden was on the board and probably should have been mine here so I could lean on the Thunder. Instead I went with another shot blocker, drooling at those six-point blocks. Turns out Smith turned in some huge games and his team took Chicago to six games in the second round. Hard to ask for more than that. Continue reading


Fantasy Basketball Awards: The Damnies

Damnies can be won for being really good (right) or really bad (left).

You didn’t think we’d let the season end without wrapping it up with everyone’s favorite award show, did you? That’s right: The Damnies are back. Damn Lies & Statistics had its best season ever, and we thank all of you for checking us out. What the future holds no one knows, but what we do know is that we can’t quite afford to rent out a theater, hire hundreds of seat fillers, and hold an actual awards show just yet. Dare to dream, and dream we do here at Damn Lies & Statistics. We dream of a world where fantasy basketball takes on the import of a major Hollywood production featuring ornate dance numbers and Tom Lorenzo being lowered from the rafters in a giant egg.

We’re working on it, friend. Until then, enjoy our version of the 2010-11 fantasy basketball awards, The Damnies.

FANTASY MVP
Tom Lorenzo: I wanted to give Kevin Love my vote, based on the fact that he was drafted in 5th round in most leagues and finished the season in the Top 5. I really did. But, my fingers started to burn as I was typing Love’s name. Refreshingly, they started to cool down once I typed the words “Kevin” and “Durant.” The league’s top-overall player lived up to his top billing. He was, and will continue to be the top player in fantasy basketball for many years to come. Sorry LBJ! (Note: Lyndon B. Johnson was a notorious hater of Kevin Durant.)

Greg Fox: With all due respect to the Love Machine, I think there was a groundswell for the country bumpkin being drafted in the late 2nd/early 3rd round. Even with that being the case, he deserves strong consideration. But for my buck fifty, LaMarcus Aldridge is the man. Taken anywhere from No. 60-80 in most leagues, Aldridge got himself in tremendous physical shape and refined his game to become one of the best power forwards in the league. Oh, and Brandon Roy going down didn’t hurt. As Aldridge’s 21.8 points, 8.7 rebounds, 1.2 blocks and 1.0 steals attest, i think this is a pretty solid choice.

Jeff Andriesse: In early March Love was a lock for this award, but I’m also pulling the rug out from under him due to his injury during a crucial time of the year. Demerits for that. Had to be done. So who should win it? To me, the fantasy MVP is also the likely real MVP, Derrick Rose. Love just went out and did what we all knew he would do if Kurt Rambis just gave him the minutes. Rose went out and did what we weren’t sure he could do, and surpassed our wildest expectations. We asked him to hit threes, and he averaged 1.6 a game. He upped his steals to 1.1. He shot 85.8 percent from the line on an average of 6.9 attempts. He improved his assists from 6.0 to 7.7. Derrick, you earned this Damny (or is it one third of a Damny? I have no idea). Continue reading


Damn Lies Midseason Report: Pacific Division

Vince returned to get his degree, and has since procured a Master's in Fantasy Disappointment

As governments across the Middle East and Northern Africa are being toppled by the day due to a scarcity of fantasy basketball information, we at Damn Lies continue to be all about country.  With all due respect to our cronies in the biz, you are not going to find better graders anywhere, as the combination of Jeff Andriesse, Tom Lorenzo and I pulled a 4.0 GPA at the university level. Jeff led the way with a 1.8, Tom pulled a respectable 1.5 and I brown-nosed my way to a solid 0.7.

I find it pretty ironic that I’m putting midseason report cards together for the Pacific Division as it has an inordinate amount of players who never went to college (see: Kobe Bryant, Andrew Bynum, Monta Ellis) as well as even more guys who couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the C and the T (see: Sacramento Kings roster). Nevertheless, it’s time to get these gents graded, and who better to do so than someone whose MENSA card keeps getting lost in the mail. Continue reading


Damn Lies Midseason Report: Northwest Division

Just change the name of this division already, Stern, you cruel bastard. There aren't too many states Oklahoma is northwest of.

We now move our midseason reports into the Western Conference, specifically the Northwest Division, home to some of the top fantasy talent in the game. Durant. Love. Carmelo. Williams. Aldridge. Milicic. These names ring out on every corner of the fantasy world, and while this strangely-named division may be a bit geographically “all over the map” as they say, it will be fun to grade.

It’s the Northwest Division Midseason Report. Pencils down! Continue reading


Damn Lies Midseason Report: Southeast Division

On Wednesday I had the craziest nightmare. In my dream, I sat down at my computer to assess the Southeast Division and realized that I hadn’t watched a single game the entire year… then my teeth fell out.

It was a bizarre first half for the five teams in this division, as it seemed as if the three juggernauts – Miami, Orlando and Atlanta – were mediocre at best, but they combined to go a solid 90-46. The Bobcats, at 19-25, have fallen below expectations, but have played better and more exciting basketball since the coaching change from Larry Brown to Paul Silas. As for the Wizards and their legendary play away from the Verizon Center, I think Dorothy said it best.

The dirty, dirty moment when the Southeast Division changed forever.

Well, gentlemen of the Southeast Division, school is out and it is time to pay the piper as your parents will be receiving the following grades any day now. Continue reading


Damn Lies Midseason Report: Atlantic Division

A cheap ploy for us to get page views, and Nets forward Kris Humphries.

We’re gonna mix it up a bit this week at Damn Lies. Now that the season is roughly halfway over (emphasis on ‘roughly’), we thought it would be fun to hand out grades to each player who has made an impact, positive or negative, on the fantasy landscape. Think of these as sort of the Golden Globes to our annual postseason awards, The Dammies, only with fewer scientology jokes. This isn’t very scientific, in the sense that the three of us were liberal arts majors and are much more comfortable making stuff up rather than postulating an actual theory, which I can rarely do without pulling a muscle. For each team, we’ll assign grades based on how players have lived up to fantasy expectations. If a guy has disappointed or has been hurt more than not, he could get a ‘D’ or ‘F’ even though his numbers aren’t totally awful. If someone went undrafted in every league but has come out of nowhere to offer solid value, he could get an ‘A’. Or not. It’s really up to us. Don’t think to much about it.

I’ll start with the Atlantic Division, and we’ll have a new division per day. Enjoy! Continue reading


Fantasy Basketball Roundtable: Buy-Low Candidates

The season is a few weeks in, meaning we have enough games to analyze and discover trends, but still not nearly the sample size that we need to make sound judgments. Conceivably, we’re at a point in the season where the Buy Low, Sell High philosophy can really pay off. If you play in a league with impatient owners, or guys who take their draft picks underachieving a bit too personally, you can usually grab their troubles off their hands for a nice price. This week, a consortium of fantasy basketball bloggers from around the web tackles the question that attentive owners should be asking themselves:

Of players who have disappointed so far this season, who is the best buy-low candidate?

Let’s see what the experts have to say…

DANILO GALLINARI
The time has probably passed to pluck Gallinari at a low, low price from frustrated owners. Gallo’s October was terrible thanks to a bum shooting wrist. After averaging a putrid six points on 20.8 percent shooting with just two threes in October, the Rooster has come back healthy in November (in his last three games, he’s averaged 18.3 points, 3.33 threes, 5.3 rebounds, 1.3 assists, a steal and a block while shooting 48.6 percent from the floor and 84.6 percent from the free-throw line). The 3.33 threes comes on an insane 52.6 percent shooting. Gallo could lead the league in threes at that rate. The chance to snag Gallo on the cheap may not be completely shut. His awful October numbers have dragged down his overall averages (12.2 points on 37.3 percent shooting), so there may still be a window of opportunity to grab him from a grudge-bearing owner with an attention-span that ends after week one. With each game, the opportunity is quickly slipping away. Hurry up and make an offer. – Justin Kendall, Life is Just a Fantasy … Basketball Blog Continue reading


Damn Lies editorial board recommends everyone remain calm

ST. GEORGE’S, BERMUDA – Everyone needs to stay calm and not make any sudden movements, the Damn Lies & Statistics editorial board recommended to fantasy owners and various panicked locals within range of the board’s crude weaponry during a tense standoff Thursday morning.

Damn Lies & Statistics editors Jeff Andriesse, Tom Lorenzo and Greg Fox were at a standoff for hours at corporate headquarters, the three of them inching in a sloppy circular motion, backs to each other, and brandishing what appeared to be firearms and various blunt instruments in random directions, including at each other.

Local authorities remain baffled at the scene, which contains several cracked computer monitors, a cheap mannequin resembling Kurt Rambis burning in effigy, and a maimed puppet that appeared to be, at one time, 1980’s sitcom character ALF. Continue reading


A meaningless statistical analysis of Jeff’s fantasy teams

Several of Jeff's teams hang on the exploits of Linas Kleiza.

Number of teams: 8.5
Number of teams Jeff will be intense about: 6.5
Number of rotisserie leagues: 4
Number of head-to-head leagues: 4.5
What is this .5 crap?: I’m splitting a team with Tom Lorenzo in the Yahoo! Friends & Family League.
Jeff’s draft slots (player taken & format in parentheses): 10 (Pau Gasol; H2H), 3 (LeBron James; Roto), 4 (Dirk Nowitzki; Roto), 7 (Stephen Curry; Roto), 1 (Kevin Durant; H2H), 9 (Deron Williams; H2H), 15 (Josh Smith; H2H), 1 (Kevin Durant; Roto), 4 (Dwight Howard; H2H)
Most common players taken: Linas Kleiza (6 times); Rajon Rondo (4); John Salmons (4); Luke Ridnour (4); Blake Griffin (3); Roy Hibbert (3); Kevin Martin (3); Monta Ellis (3); Jameer Nelson (3)
Deepest league: 20-team, 11-round H2H league
Leagues with weekly locked lineups: 2
Favorite pick: Blake Griffin, 8th round (in H2H league in early September)
Least favorite pick: Yao Ming, 8th round (in Roto league in mid-September)
Strongest team: My last draft Monday night, H2H league, 4th pick: Howard, Rondo, Monta, Griffin, Kevin Love, Mo Williams, Jeff Green, Eric Gordon, Lamar Odom; Bench: Serge Ibaka, Anderson Varejao, Mike Conley, Kleiza, Ridnour.
Longest on-line draft, in hours: 4.5 (10-team, 20-round draft with no time limit between picks)
Really?: Yup.
Ugh.: Tell me about it.
Why wouldn’t you have a timer fo-: Just shut the f%#k up. We had our reasons. I don’t wanna talk about it.
Leagues with Tom Lorenzo: 5.5
Do you guys have lives?: Yes. We have .5 between us.


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