ST. GEORGE’S, BERMUDA – Everyone needs to stay calm and not make any sudden movements, the Damn Lies & Statistics editorial board recommended to fantasy owners and various panicked locals within range of the board’s crude weaponry during a tense standoff Thursday morning.
Damn Lies & Statistics editors Jeff Andriesse, Tom Lorenzo and Greg Fox were at a standoff for hours at corporate headquarters, the three of them inching in a sloppy circular motion, backs to each other, and brandishing what appeared to be firearms and various blunt instruments in random directions, including at each other.
Local authorities remain baffled at the scene, which contains several cracked computer monitors, a cheap mannequin resembling Kurt Rambis burning in effigy, and a maimed puppet that appeared to be, at one time, 1980’s sitcom character ALF.
The Damn Lies security division, in conjunction with local police, is looking into the situation and would like to assure the media that there will be a quick, peaceful resolution to the ruckus. Damn Lies management would also like to stress that while it would always look for ways to improve its fantasy team, extrapolating too much from one night of statistics is a dangerous way to manage your squad. We urge patience and a belief in one’s preseason rankings, and that it is a long season.
Management is looking into reports that the words “Free Al Horford” were written on the side of corporate headquarters in human blood.
There was a full slate of games in the NBA on Wednesday night, featuring many disappointing stat lines that investigators believe could have triggered the standoff. Philadelphia 76ers point guard Jrue Holiday, who had six points and three assists in 21 minutes, has been placed under 24-hour armed-guard surveillance as a precaution.
Holiday, Horford, Kevin Love and Al Jefferson should still have tremendous seasons, despite sub-par performances on opening night. It is foolish to panic this early, or to get frustrated over things you cannot control.
Damn Lies management is extremely concerned about a report that Fox began strangling a local who appeared to be heckling the trio from the middle of a gathered crowd. Apparently Lorenzo, frothing at the mouth and eyes darting back and forth, tripped over Andriesse’s feet and lay on the ground for several seconds, writhing in pain and clutching his lower back. When someone yelled out, “Hey, is that Zach Randolph?”, Fox became enraged and charged the crowd, scattering terrified onlookers in all directions.
Tasers are being delivered to the scene, but we at Damn Lies & Statistics truly hope it does not come to that. We take pride in the sane, cool-headed advice our editorial board is known to dispense, and do not want to do anything to jeopardize our trust with our readership, not to mention our strategically placed P.O. Boxes in the greater St. George’s area.
In conclusion, was John Salmons freaking testing out his Invisible Man costume for Halloween or something? we will get through this together, and things should even out over time.