Daily Lies & Statistics: Tuesdays with Gory

I write this as I simultaneously talk Jeff down off the ledge after not having Greg Oden in his lineup for last night’s 13-point, 20-rebound, 4-block eruption against the Heat. There are some things in fantasy sports one just can’t recover from and missing that performance is one of them. And who better than I can commiserate with such a miscarriage of justice as the Odenator accomplished this in the first of a measly two-game week. OK, he’s off the ledge and is laying in the fetal position. If I can only get him to stop that damn shaking.

Jeff certainly has company in the anxiety department as half of my team is either attending or will be attending the funeral of a distant relative in the next few days and will miss games. But last night was a decent one for me as I had six guys going as part of a six-game NBA slate.

There were three decent-sized upsets, mainly the Knicks thrashing the Suns 126-99, in as what Russ Hodges would have called an optical illusion to some who woke up to that score. Steve Nash was the only Sun to post a decent game (20 pts, 8 ast) as Amare’ Studebaker [sic, and sick] put the spit shine on another classic 14 and 5. The Knicks were paced by Danilo Gallinari‘s 27 points, 10 boards and 2 blocks. Tom’s lovechild also drained 6 threes along the way. David Lee notched 24 points (10-13 FG) to go with 8 caroms and 4 steals, and my main man Larry Hughes woke up from his stupor to contribute 11 points, 6 rebounds, 12 assists and 4 steals.

The Wizards upended the defenseless Raptors in Toronto last night, 106-102. Antawn Jamison continued to flourish as he poured in 30 points and snatched 12 boards in the win and celebrated by transposing the A and the W in his first name. Agent Nada, aka Gilbert Arenas, had 22 points and 9 assists and shocked the basketball world by shooting above 40 percent (7-17) from the field.

Chris Bosh led Toronto with 22 and 14, but was an inefficient 7-22 from the floor. Andrea Bargnani registered 20 and 11 and Jose Calderon added 20 points on 9-of-12 from the field, some pretty nifty shooting for a point guard.

The third upset of the night occurred in my duodenom as my supreme leader, Carmelo Anthony, totaled only 25 points in 31 minutes against the Warriors in Denver’s lopsided win. I’ll take the 25, but I had visions of sugar plums dancing in my head before tipoff. Chauncey Billups contributed 22 points and 8 assists and the hilarious Nene Hilario added 18 points, 12 caroms and a couple of rejects. Anthony Morrow led the Warriors with 27 points and Monta Ellis, who has been doing his best Earl Monroe at Winston Salem impersonation of late, was finally held in check and finished with 15 points.

Frankenstein's monster, not to be confused with Kendrick Perkins. Karloff's character would have been the second-biggest stiff to play center for the Celtics after Acie Earl.

The one line that stood out to me in Boston’s 108-90 win in Charlotte was Kendrick Perkins‘ 21-point, 12-rebound, 3-block effort, which also included 9-for-10 shooting from the floor. Perkins is a real-life monster. I mean that literally. He is the spitting image of Boris Karloff after makeup, but make no mistake, this is one of the best big men in the league. He is strong like bull and is an outstanding man-on defender. He is developing a decent touch from mid range and with Kevin Garnett beginning to fade and Rasheed Wallace withering away, he will be a key to what I think will be a Celtic championship. Steal him from a non-suspecting owner.

Ten games tonight. Where’s my Ritalin?

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