Daily Lies & Statistics: Goin’ plumbing

There were six games on Tuesday’s slate and that sound you hear is my season taking the slow swirl down the ol’ turlet. Can this possibly get any worse? Can anyone on the Unhappy Hairstons shoot above 40 percent? Please? Anyone?

Last night I watched the Nuggets/Bulls game in horror as Carmelo Anthony repeatedly got to the rim only to have his driving layups roll off into the loving arms of Joakim Noah, who ingested 21 caroms. When he was in college, I hyped Yannick’s little boy as the next Ben Wallace like it was my job, but of course didn’t draft him when a breakout season was inevitable. He’s bordering on Erick Dampier-type greatness (Editor’s note: Nobody’s that good).

Nobody remembers the NBA's "Tuck" rule?

What a crazy game that was in Chi-town. With the score tied and the clock winding towards zero, Kirk Hinrich, for some unknown reason, reached in and fouled a driving Chauncey Billups with 0.6 left. After making the first and missing the second, the Bulls were generously given 0.3 for the last play. What happened to the Trent Tucker rule? Why did nobody on the Bulls’ broadcast or in the NBA TV studio mention that it is impossible to get off a shot with 0.3 or less. Brad Miller flipped one in from the top of the key as the buzzer simultaneously went off, but why did it take the officials 10 minutes to decide no basket?

The worst part of the whole thing is that the game didn’t go to overtime as I had both Anthony and Derrick Rose licking their chops for some cheap numbers. Rose actually enjoyed a decent game with 22 points on 10-of-17 shooting and five assists. The contest also marked the return (or is it arrival) of Earl Smith III or as he is better known in the Rocky Mountains, the Artist Formerly Known as JR Smith or AFKJS. AFKJS shot just 1-of-9 on the night with five assists, but better shooting days are ahead for this madman.

The rest of the night was relatively uneventful except for the Kings’ 101-98 victory over the Thunder. That makes it three straight without Kevin Martin. Tyreke Evans posted another big line with 20 points, eight rebounds and eight assists and Jason Thompson added 21 points, 14 boards, two steals and a block. Kevin Durant shot just 9-for-23 for Oklahoma City, but drilled a ridiculous 18-for-18 from the line. Jeff Green bounced back from a couple of poor statistical outings to tally 19 points, five rebounds, three steals and two blocks and shutdown corner Thabo Sefolosha contributed three steals and four rejects.

The line of the night came in Miami’s 90-76 win over Washington as Gilbert Arenas came within two assists of a triple-double with 21 points, eight assists and a franchise record 12 apple turnovers. Tweet that! Andray Blatche saw 39 minutes of court time and posted 13 and 10 while Brenda Haywood’s twin brother Brendan continued his incredible roll with 13 points, 11 boards and four blocked shots. For the Heat, Dwyane Wade again took matters into his own hands and totaled 41, 5 and 5. I started Jermaine O’Neal for the first time this season and he calmly defecated a 6 and 6 on me. His play is beginning to resemble a fading Tom Boerwinkle.

Erick Dampier flushes one right on Greg's head.

Getting back to Dampier, is he on the Cream or the Clear? As if last night’s 14-point, 20-rebound, 3-block effort wasn’t enough, he converted all six of his field goal attempts and was 2-for-2 from the stripe. Good thing I claimed Larry Hughes instead of him last week. That will work out well.

The Grizzlies are now 0-1 in the post-Allen Iverson era. Still adjusting to life without AI or maybe because he had been suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, Rudy Gay could muster only 12 points and five boards. LaMarcus Aldridge led the Blazers with 16 lapoints, 12 laboards and two lablocks.

The Magic notched a 93-81 victory in Charlotte as Dwight Howard registered 15, 10 and 6, but Superman again failed to record a block or a tear in his costume. You’d think that all of those bullets to the chest would at least require a stitch job or two, or is the Superman costume also made of steel? Vince Carter made a triumphant return following an ankle sprain and recorded 15 points on 5-of-16 from the floor, but did knock down three bombs.

Thirteen games on the docket tonight. I’m refluxing as we speak.

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